Ashes to ashes, dust to dust

The ashes of my mother.

As I watched my stepdad use a spoon from their kitchen to transfer my mother's ashes into a Ziploc baggie, the familiar line "Like sand through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives" came to mind. It reminded me of the soap opera she used to watch, "Days of Our Lives," while I played with Barbies on the brown shag carpet in our living room as a child. This show was where I likely picked up my dramatic tendencies, as I couldn't help but stop and watch the latest drama unfold on the screen. Shortly after reflecting on my childhood, another thought popped into my head. I couldn't help but hear her voice asking me which part of her I was sealing in the Ziplock bag. It may sound dark, but my mother and I shared a close and humorous relationship. We were like best friends who could joke around with each other. I remembered the last time we went shopping for a dress for a wedding, and how she valued my fashion advice.

She needed assistance putting on the electric blue dress, the color of which reminded me of UK blue, a shade she adored. I complimented her on how fabulous she looked, and as she gazed at herself in the mirror, it was evident she felt the same. She then asked me to help unzip the dress, and since she wasn't shy like me, she began to remove it herself. I couldn't help but notice how youthful her breasts still looked at the age of 70. In my typical not-so-darlin fashion, I jokingly remarked, "Why couldn't I inherit perky boobs like yours, Mom?"

I found it amusing that she laughed so loudly because we were always so open with each other. Sometimes I think we were too open, but I say that in jest because she shared things with me that maybe I shouldn't have heard. All in good fun, she told me so many funny stories. On the other hand, I could potentially share those stories for a good laugh, but I would change names to protect her and everyone else involved.

As I raised my son, I felt like I was living vicariously through her. I am grateful that she was able to create and cherish those memories.

Alright, back to the reason I was putting her ashes in a baggie. I had promised her I would bring her ashes to her favorite place, Panama City Beach, Florida. I have so many wonderful memories of that beach, not just as a family, but also as a teenager and young adult. Perhaps one day I should share those stories, too. Times like driving down the strip, that one Solid Gold Dancer, catching sand crabs, spending many nights and a few days at Club LaVela, where we acted like girls gone wild. Oh yeah and even meeting Tommy Lee.

This is just one of the silly photos of my mom and me!

My ADHD brain needs to stay on track. Get on with the story, Tonya

While my stepdad was filling the bag with her ashes, I felt like I was holding her again. It was a comforting feeling, like a warm hug from her. I remembered how she used to pat me on the back when she hugged me. It had been a year since she passed away, and being with her ashes brought us together once more. I clung to the baggie as I got into my car, placing it on the passenger seat as if she were with me, ready to go shopping together like we used to.

As I was leaving her driveway, I saw that her Christmas flag was still up and thought to myself, "Christmas is over, he should take that flag down." It felt as though my mother's voice was speaking through me in that moment.

As I drove onto the highway, the conversation continued, and I couldn't help but laugh at the thought of her jokingly complaining about being in a Ziplock bag instead of one from her favorite store.

After a short time, I heard a song I recognized - “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now” by Starship, which was featured in the 1987 movie "Mannequin". This was the first movie my mom took me to see, and I believe it sparked my interest in dressing up as different characters and introduced me to the world of fashion.

I once dreamed of becoming a window dresser, which is why I have a passion for modeling. I enjoy trying on different looks, like a mannequin. That initial spark may have ignited my love for the craft. When I sang those song lyrics that day, they took on a deeper meaning for me.

While these lyrics were playing, We'll still have each other Nobody's gonna stop us Nobody's gonna stop us now.

It felt like she was assuring me that nothing, not even her death, could come between us.

After the first song finished, a new one started, and this one happened to be by her favorite singer Lionel Ritchie, singing "Easy".

Tears began to flow easily, just as my mom often said about herself. She was laid-back and easy-going, but I sometimes wonder if that wasn't truly what she desired for herself. I think that's why she always told me she wanted me to find happiness in life.

And then a commercial break kicked in. Yep, I am still an avid Pandora free listener, but the joke was on me. It was a McDonald’s commercial, another inside joke my mom and I shared. Not only did she love their sweet tea, but she still loved reminded me of how I won my very first big wheel at the one that opened back in the early 80s close to our house, oh and again how she threw me a birthday party there. I remember those two things and just how delicious their cakes were.

And this was obviously before I found out I had celiac disease!

The final song that played as I approached my house felt like the perfect ending, as it was none other than "Three Times a Lady" by The Commodores. She had a special love for Lionel Ritchie, and I decided this would be the song to play at her funeral.

Although she had the manners of a true lady, don't get me wrong, I definitely inherited my sense of humor and colorful language from her and my grandma Josie. As the song played, I reflected on the moments we shared and knew that nothing could come between us. I wanted to express my gratitude for the memories and for her incredible role as a mother.

The song also states now we come to the end of our rainbow, which reminds me of the rainbow wallpaper I had growing up which was over my head as I slept as a child. Today I have the same rainbow in her up above my head in heaven.