Can't Let Go

The tale of how I struggled to let go of my mother's ashes, which I had promised to scatter on the shore.

My husband took this photo through the sliding glass door of our condo. It was the morning when I woke up at 4 am, feeling unsure about what to do with her ashes.

I have a deep appreciation for the beach, admiring the sound of the waves hitting the shore and witnessing the beauty of both sunrise and sunset. The sky transforms into a stunning array of pink and purple hues while the ocean reflects shades of green and blue. Despite the tranquility, it can be difficult to fully embrace the experience on a crowded beach. Perhaps it is selfish of me to desire the beach all to myself. As I sit on the balcony before six am, observing the sunrise, I reflect on how I woke up before 4 am and saw others setting up their tents and chairs already.

Accompanied by my mother in her small urn containing a beach scene with a heart carved in the sand, our trip in May was intended to avoid the crowds and enjoy what may be our final family vacation before my son becomes a senior next year. Additionally, the trip was to fulfill a promise I made to my mother to take her ashes to the beach.

My plan was to scatter her ashes along the shore…as I know this is probably really illegal to do and as Matthew McConaughey says in the movie Magic Mike, I see a lot of lawbreakers in the house tonight.

And best believe this wouldn’t be the first law I had ever broken in Panama City Beach!

But all jokes aside, as our time grew closer to the end of our vacation, and the beaches got busier. No matter what hour it was, it was getting harder and harder for me to scatter them. And in not so darlin fashion I awoke from a dream in this dream my not so darlin movie scene of a morning scatter that ends up in either someone’s mouth or a similar situation of what happened on the movie meet the parents with good old Jinxy the cat. I swear I could hear my mom’s laugh she had a laugh that nobody could ever forget.

The sound of laughter pulled me from my slumber and made me realize that I was once again in the presence of someone I didn't want to lose again.

I felt extremely guilty for not fulfilling her wishes, so I told my husband Brian that she would be upset with me. However, he reassured me that she didn't specifically say to scatter them, just to take her to the beach, which you did. He encouraged me to continue taking her there in the future.

After carefully considering and thinking too much, I decided to take her back home with me and bring her along whenever I visit the beach. I hope that at the core, she is happier with me than she would be at the beach. That is the belief I cling to, at least. I guess I will know for sure if she comes back to haunt me. And she did promise to haunt me if necessary!